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LiveJournal for Mel.
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| Sunday, December 23rd, 2007 |
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Hi my Sweetie.... Well, i suppose the very least i could do is write to you on Christmas, huh? I've been really bad with writing to you - but Lord knows I talk enough to you.... It certainly doesn't seem like you're hearing me - but then again, who even knows if all of that is true anyway - maybe it is ashes to ashes kinda thing..... I'm clueless... Well, it's, as we used to put it, Christmas Eve Eve. And yet another Christmas is coming without you in it. It certainly hasn't gotten any better or easier, that's for friggan sure... To me, it just seems so much worse because so much time has passed and you're farther and farther away... Your room doesn't smell like you anymore and that's really hard to take... the farther we get away from when you died, i honestly feel like I feel worse... everyone has gotten back to their lives.... if it weren't for Grandma, there wouldn't have even been a service on 11/7 - as it was, there wasn't... it was a few days after...... Everyone else is so lucky in one respect... you were important to them in one way or another, but it didn't really ALTER the way they live, u know? It's a very sad memory, an "Oh Remember Jeff... wow, I miss him" and then onto other things..... But it's so different for me.... as i suppose it should be, since I was your Mommy... so much inside me has died with you.... it's especially worse this time of year that's for sure..... the memories of Christmas Days gone by - one through thirteen - you didn't make it to your fourteenth... and then it's Happy New Year - 2008 - a year I've been writing on all of your school papers since you started school - your graduating year.... it blows me completely away. Mattie's in Grad school, Alex in College and Hilary in high school - she's driving and has a job!....a lot of your friends will be graduating this year - or have quit school or are mommies and daddies themselves! So everything has moved on and changed... well, except me. That's probably not considered "healthy" - but well, it is what it is.....and whoa did i come close to "seeing" you - but that's not meant to be either.... so I'm stuck here on Earth - getting up every day and trying to make the most of it... but I'm just a little tiny shadow of what I was (although physically I'm fatter! lol)... Other Moms that have lost a child, or children, that I talk with have said that they've felt almost exactly as I feel... something I'm not happy about, but it keeps me from thinking that I've completely given up and have lost what's left of my mind. So - that's really about it from here.... what a happy and uplifting letter, huh? But well, i was already crying and i figured I'd say Merry Christmas to you while i was already crying, cuz - well, if i started a letter w/out crying - it wouldn't be long before I was.... does that even make sense? I hope you're up in Heaven... and I hope you're with Vavor and My Dad and Stephen's Dad and all of the family and friends who have gone.... it's that whole "FAITH" part.... do I have Faith to believe that that's what happens when people die - the whole Angels and Heaven and Guardian Angels and God and Mary and Joseph and Jesus. I'm not doing the woe is me - much! But hey, it's my journal, i get to write what i want - and I just really want to tell you that I miss you More than ANYONE could ever know.... I miss your fantastic smile and your goofy words and you driving me nuts! lol I miss not having Christmas Eve with you and Christmas Morning... and buying the presents... shit, we don't even have a tree up this year... Poor Stephen didn't even put up his favorite LIGHTS..... it's a very strange existence... that's for sure... I've lost touch with a lot of people, and that's definitely My Fault! But it's so hard to get on the phone with people sometimes - hearing how their life is going on - and what they're looking forward to and their kids doing this etc etc..... Not that I was much of a phone person BEFORE you died! I feel bad about it - Guilt is something I have a LOT of... so - just pile the loss of people in my life on top of that.... cuz that's my fault definitely..... So - Merry Christmas my Jeffy - you should see some of the Electronic stuff that's out now - you'd be into all of it!... and Happy New Year...I love you and I miss you so much..... |
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| Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007 |
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October 23, 2007 Hey Journal....Hey my Jeff, It's been WAY too long since I've written here... It's been difficult getting to your website lately - I'm chalking it up to that crappy awful day coming up soon. November 7th - 3 friggan years??? No Hugs - No Smiles or Laughter from you - NO YOU... no Senior year... no driver's license... no nothing..... No joy in my heart when I see you come home.... basically, just no Joy.... man - It's a killer i gotta tell ya.... I would have thought that MAYBE by now, things would be "Better" maybe... They're DIFFERENT, that's for sure - but no way any better... Then again, what do I do with all the Love and Joy and Laughter and Care that I have for you...? It doesn't go away... it's all still there - God, i completely HATE the person I am now... I'm this nobody... this worthless, whining, fat, non-producing member of society who can't even get in the fluckin' car and get groceries! I'm like the complete opposite of who i was.... people say it's temporary blah blah blah... but who the hell knows, u know?.... But I guess Life has continued to go on - for so many - and I'm just not strong enought to be able to do it! YET? Who knows?? I always thought of myself as a STRONG person - well, guess what - NOPE! Oh well, the things we learn about one's self is certainly not always good, u know? I can't type anymore babe... I'm weary - and so tired... and so weepy... and just so DONE with feeling this way.... It's so not a fun way to live... Perhaps it IS my fault for not picking myself up by the "bootstraps" and trudging along until I can "function" - I tried... still am.... But I think of the day you were born - and the day you walked and the day you talked (and... never stopped LOL) - and your smile and your laugh and your "oddness" and your "unique-ness" and your freakin' HUMOR - and the sadness that you went through that I KNOW only you really know how sad you were.... looking down the street and seeing you walk up to meet me and how you just ambled along.... your gorgeous blonde - dyed black hair.... your goofy faces... so many hugs - so much laughter... and of course - the aggro - i'm not blind enough - or put you on a pedastal yet to think you were the PERFECT CHILD... but who cared? I love you and LOVED you with every fiber of my being... always did - always will..... Happy Halloween in Heaven.... prolly a Ninja again, eh? I Love You My Angel...I miss you more than I could ever put into words.... Please watch over Matt, Alex and Hilary - and Stephen - and our Family and our Friends... they need you too.... Much Love - Much Sadness - Sometimes - Much Laughter at the Memories... I could have NEVER have asked for a BETTER SON - ever... xoxoxoxo Mom (God, I so miss that little 3 letter word....) |
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| Monday, July 30th, 2007 |
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Ok... well it's Monday - Stephen is home and we're chillin.... windy and gorgeous out and I got to thinking... scary thought... we all know that jeff died - my only kid - seriously my first best friend - so yeah, he's gone... it's been 30 months - seems like yesterday anyhow - i'm wondering if I've actually built up my walls so good, that that's why people don't call on Sundays or the 7th anymore... to leave a message? Is it ME? Have I turned into one of those people that when ya look at the phone ya go - uh, god i love her but i just don't have the time/patience/whatever right now......uh I really wish i was a stupid person - someone who wasn't intelligent (tooting my horn, eh?) - so i wouldn't analyze and think "deep thoughts... but i've always been good - b4 Jeff - at going into a family occasion or a party or whatever and basically sum up how everyone was doing - who was fighting with who - who was sad - who was pissed - gauge the mood and act accordingly, SOMETIMES! lol so now after jeff and my lovely panic/ptsd/slightly manic/medicated quite heavily self have built walls (maybe?) or just can't break through the whole "leaving the house thing".... so is all this why the beginning "support" is gone - or does that just diminish with time as a lot of things do? i dunno - i'm just thinking outloud kinda sorta - we were listening to Bill Engvall - sp? and he was talking about Random Thoughts and how he gets so many - and it's so freakin funny.... and i really get those - like outta nowhere... like i woke up the other day after dreaming about my old boss from the NRC... i dunno - he was just there... - and i thought - ok, what would happen today if I wasn't here... like had I never existed at all - not suicidal that way - just pondering the thought.... and that web of how we are all tangled together.... or maybe an afghan all coiled up - cuz if this didn't happen, then that didn't happen, and if i didn't meet so and so and if if if if if if..... and then my mind just snowballed.... kinda weird... but - i guess i'm just wondering if it's just NORMAL or how do you define normal - how can i go from this fully functional goofy fun loving basically happy person who went everywhere and did things so WELL.... to this new Meredith Anne Prue.... who has to medicate herself to possibly make it to the dentist.... i mean it's so not allll bad - basically it's peaceful at times and laugh so hard my sides hurt... and smile and cook and giggle and sometimes just be a goof - but right behind that tenuous mask... is hey - GUESS WHAT - YOUR KID... the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.... most people's reason for living... IS DEAD!!! and then it kinda ruins the moment, u know? Ok - i'm done.... just blabbing here... it's Monday so we got through Sunday - Peace Out Man! |
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| Sunday, June 10th, 2007 |
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Well, seriously – holy crap – It’s June, 07 already.... Hilary is driving, Matt and Alex are in EUROPE!, Adam & Nik are chillin’ out in the UK and Honestly, I don’t know what’s going on with Graeme, but I hope he’s doing great!... All of these are freakin’ awesome – u know – everyone getting older and seeing such adventures and doing the whole graduating thing and Summer Vacation thing.... and WTF, you’re up there... when you could be down here... driving already; out of 11th grade (hopefully lol) and into your Senior Year! Class of 2008.... Well, we know how that turned out, eh? That frame with all 12 years of school – all filled up to the 9th friggan grade... That’s it... no 10th, no 11th and no Senior... no proms, no cars, no license, no dating... no nothing.... Wow – it boggles the mind – especially this flucked up mind of mine!..... You should see, if all that Heaven stuff is true, what’s going on in my life.... existance? And then poor Stephen has been left with this blubbering, non-functional wife Was that supposed to be funny? HAHA – not! Hey – I try, u know I do – I email... I call people (ok, sometimes), I answer the phone (ok, sometimes) I get outside, I do the grocery thing (sometimes!) and the doctor thing again, I say – sometimes! Lolol I’m even enjoying a little hootchy-kootchy with my hubby – yeah – you didn’t need to know that – but guess what – you died, remember? I haven’t really played that grief card much – with some people it means nothing anyway – might as well be a “WTF, aren’t you over this yet?” card? Or “Seriously, you should go to counseling” card? Or my own mantra card...maybe the “Let’s self-inflict so much guilt on myself that I wanna choke” card....? Yeah, that’s a fun one, NOT! Today was the first day since like Mother’s Day that I’ve been able to get on your site – when ONCE – that’s all I did.... and the last update to this journal was like in April sometime... when I used to do that faithfully every single day? Weird little fluckin’ phases... the “run away” phase and drive across the entire country to the “can’t leave the front door” phase.... oh yeah, I’m enjoying them all....Stages of grief? Oh please – they’re not STAGES.... they’re like little shell-shocks of reality... Denial? Nope – I know you’re dead cuz I got the pleasure of seeing you hanging there with your eyes bulging out... yeah – thanks for that.... Anger? Shit yeah! And it’s not one that I enjoy much.... I find it hard to get ANGRY... but – let’s just say.... yeah – I guess I’m pissed off..... Closure? Fluck that.... it’s a stupid friggan word and concept when it comes to you dying... How do you close that? Talk to my Vavor.... she’ll tell you there isn’t one... How is my VaVor? Good Lord, I HOPE beyond HOPE that Heaven is all that she envisioned it to be! It has to be for her... it just has to be... She was an Angel for 101 years down here on Earth – she best get to spend her FOREVER as an Angel with no pain or grief or suffering!! Not much else to say, cuz if Heaven is what I “HOPE” it is... you all are “seeing” what’s going on down here, right? Stephen “pottering” around the barn and fixing the aviary and working hard at the City and pissed off about his diabetes... can’t say I blame him!...The New Baby birds are awesome..... The weather has been great, a little less wind would be good, but hey, I’m not picky..... I’d love to see my Plymouth family... but ya know – just seeing pictures of the graduation and everyone older than you and their lives are so DIFFERENT... and I’m so happy for them and beyond PROUD of them..my Hilly is so OLD! LOL and so freakin’ funny and gorgeous and smart...My heart burst with smiles when I talk to her or see her.....and my Steph and Leslie--- going through their own version of Hell and I hate that and I wish there were something that I could do to help! And Mom... there’s a new entry totally – and ya know – I just don’t feel like going there... to much, u know? And Adam and Nikki living in the UK, getting to see Matt and Alex on their European vacation – how freakin’ cool was that! Now THOSE pictures didn’t bother me, cuz well – how awesome to see what they’re seeing and laughing and having a great time and taking time off work.... it was just awesome... And Graeme – a loner as you remember.... as far as family is concerned – but that’s Graeme and I’m not going to change him and well, maybe he doesn’t need to be changed – maybe we just accept him for who he is! What a concept! I really just love them all – so much! In all different ways, u know? But – I’m not Mel anymore – not that Auntie Mel... no way – how could I be? What “defined” me for so long was being Jeff’s Mom, u know? I always said I wasn’t crafty or talented, but damn I made a good looking kid!... and now you’re freakin’ ashes in a box... Yeah – that’s JOYFUL... I’m gonna end here cuz well, I’ve cried enuf today – being Sunday.... and just cuz when I put you and your face and thoughts of you right in front of my face... it’s beyond tough to function..... so what do I do – do something else or think of something else.... yeah, that’s healthy.... And – well, we all know how Healthy I’ve been pretty much my whole life, huh? LOLOL Mentally? Physically? Oh yeah... me and my Lazy ass...... Ok – I’m done rambling..... you suck for dying (that’s the Anger stage talking!)....I guess I’ll see you in my dreams and/or nightmares (hey, those are fun too – NOT).... Who am I kidding? I see you everywhere.... when I look at Sammy or when I realize that school’s out or in songs, on TV, online...... memories of you and pieces of you everywhere..... and I guess that’s a good thing... and also a bad thing.... cuz well... that’s usually where the drooling in the corner starts! GOOBER... I love you – ALWAYS HAVE and ALWAYS WILL.... and I’m sorry for the Dad stuff... I wish I knew how crappy (mild understatement) it was and I thought I was doing the right thing... I really really did... but... screwed that up, huh? GUILT GUILT GUILT (((HUGS)))) and all of My Love Mom |
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| Tuesday, April 10th, 2007 |
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Hiya Kiddo - Well another Easter has come and gone... No easter egg hunt this year again... It was a rough one this year - the day before was the 7th and Sunday was the day you died and well... it all still sucks my Sweetie!... I had so much to write down, but I decided today to Paste a reply to someone who sent me a letter - she was very well-meaning and I was glad that she was thinking about you and me... but she is someone who hasn't lost a child - and she spoke of closure and moving on, etc.... Oh man, if it was only that EASY - cuz if it was, shit - I'd have done it by now! Lord know I hate "feeling" the way I do - the pain the anguish the Missing you..... I certainly don't WANT to feel this way... but - well, you Upped and left me Jeffers... what the hell?!... I know Easter "up there" had to be a joyous celebration for you all.... well, at least I hope it's all that they say it is up there!!! But.... who knows really - Faith is a shaky thing, that's for sure.... Well my sweetie - I love you more today than i did yesterday... That won't ever change... How could it! Hilary is turning 16 this week!! OMG... time just still goes on..... Ok, here's the reply I sent - it kinda sums up everything about how I am, or how i'm feeling... Sending you my Love as Always... xoxoxox Mom ---------------------------------------- Thank you for this letter of care, love and concern.... I do understand what you're saying and I know all that you say "sounds" like it can be done - albeit with some time....and if it was something that I could actually DO, trust me, I would DO it! I'm glad you don't completely understand because you would have to lose a child to completely "get it".... and Thank God that isn't something you have to "deal" with in your life... Thank GOD! I've been on this road for awhile now and have met so many other moms and dads who are in the same boat... and it's basically the same thing, same feelings, yet different stories and different ways of coping.... With Jeff being my Only Child and my whole adult life revolved around what he was doing, who he was chilling with, how he was feeling, etc etc.... when he died - everything stopped - like a dead end in the road because as you know, Moms lives run Parallel to their children... Newborn to Toddler to Preschool to Grade School and all that goes with that - baseball, bullies, cuts, bone breaks, happiness, sadness, grades, studying, clothes, fads, girls, etc etc... and when I found him hanging in his closet that day - the road that I had been on for years and years came to a complete Dead End - with a very thick brick wall... I've tried going through it, around it, over it.... I've done counseling, support groups, medication, reading etc etc etc.... and the general consensus from my counselors and doctors and books and other moms and my own person feelings is that this isn't you can "deal" with - there is no "closure" when it comes to your child dying - ever.... You just go on in your life and try to survive... and feel all that you are feeling.... I used to have bad WEEKS on end of being under the covers and not going anywhere, I've "run away" cross country from WA to MA to go "home" to be with my family, I've contemplated suicide many times - I then went to having a bad Week - then a bad day... now sometimes i only have a bad 1/2 a day.... I get out more now... but it all just boils down to that ONE THING - the one person who I had unconditional love for - who was my baby who grew into a young man and was the light of my life - my reason for being for SO LONG - is just GONE forever.... No more hugs, no more smiles, no more EVER... there is no closure... because how can you CLOSE those feelings? You just don't - you incorporate them into your "NEW" life and try and survive... I have met so many Moms who after 8 years of losing their child, they have either committed suicide or end up in mental hospitals - I know some moms who still after 4 years think their child is on vacation - I know others who fill up their time with SO MUCh that they can't feel or think.... Stephen and I are trying to go on... and we are... hey - we're still here and we love each other and I'm a lucky to have him and my dogs and my beautiful home and food to eat and i'm Thankful for my Family back East who never forget me.. - see, I've ALWAYS lived my life "Hey, you know, it could always be worse"..... and i suppose it could be... but a lot of the time it's hard to see that when your child is just a box of ashes, u know? As far as meds, well my Psychiatrist and Counselor are adament that I stay on what I'm on - it's lower than it was - but I suffer from Clinical Depression (big surprize), but the big one is the Post Traumatic Stress... Moms aren't supposed to see their child dead... and the nightmares and the sweats and the panic are just almost unbearable....and trust me, it does NOT block out the pain... no way... I was on a Valium type med that made me all woozy and stupid and sleepy and I knew that it was completely "unhealthy" to NOT FEEL... Humor has helped me alot - and time of course.... and family and friends who are still around, cuz you wouldn't believe the ones that actually AVOID me in grocery stores - it's amazing... Holidays and Jeff's Birthday and Heaven date will ALWAYS be extremely difficult because of the memories and the knowing that there will NEVER be another one with my child... and this weekend was the 7th; a Sunday (the day he died) and a Holiday... triple whammy... As far as putting my Jeff's site everywhere and anywhere - well, that's just cuz there is absolutely NO WAY i want him to be forgotten, you know? No way... it's like the only JOB left as a Mom that I have.... and when people visit and comment and when Moms and Dads who have lost children have said that my site has helped them so much.... well, that makes my heart smile.... I get very down in the black hole of sad and depression... but not as down into the hole as I used to.... and i have my Up days.... I've always been known as either Mel, Auntie Mel or Jeff's Mom.... One identity is completely "gone" and that's a tough one too.... Ok - enuf of my Novel.... I do know others suffer with so many other things...pain, disease, cancers... and my heart and prayers and thoughts are always with them because I'd love for everyone to "feel" great!... but that's quite idealistic, and that's not me... I'm not pessimistic either.... I guess I'm coasting.... and this group helps me, my website is therapy, my journal is also "therapy".... but down to brass tacks - my son is Dead forever.... and that's something that i will never "get over"...i will, and have, learned to survive through it so far.... and that's a good thing... (((Hugs))) my friend and Thank You.... xoxoxo Mel
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| Wednesday, March 7th, 2007 |
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Ya know, I don’t even know where to start so I’m just letting my fingers type and see where I end up... but then again, supposedly you’re “around” me all the time and of course, being the looney tune that I am, I talk to you or yell at you a lot – so you already know what’s going on down here... it sounds so great in theory, doesn’t it?..... So you’d be 17 on March 10th... holy f*ck kiddo... SEVENTEEN! I can kind of imagine how you would “be” and kind of imagine how you’d “look”.... but HOLY SHIT – I haven’t Celebrated your Birthday with you since 2004?! Your 14th?? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, How Is That EVEN Possible??????????? I mean – just HOW? Ok, so now it’s March 7th – I always was great at procrastination – don’t know where you got it.... lol It’s sunnyish out – and the birds are coming back – and I try to appreciate it all – and I do... but.... there’s always that BUT.... you’re still not here... not of this mortal coil...bereft of life... ok, had to get a little Monty in there.... I don’t wanna get all morbid and sad and blah – I was that 2 hours ago! Lol and who knows what 2 hours from now will happen.... Well, you know you’re always on my mind..... You have been since you were born, and with me getting old now – 41! – my mind is slightly “befuddled” to use a Stephen word... and well – it doesn’t matter where I am or what I do – I’ll make it to the store and I’ll see Ketchup and that will send me over the edge – and sometimes not... I have no answers and who the fuck knows what the questions are.... but – we all pretty much know that MOST of me died with YOU that day.... how could it not..... You’re THERE – wherever the hell (oops, slip of the tongue there, eh? Lolol!) that is.. and I’m here... and well – down to brass tacks sweetums – it fuckin’ sucks..... It’s that whole NEVER thing... ever, never, ever... So – have a party my Sweetie – but remember VaVor isn’t far away, so behave with the Angle Dudes and Chicks... and the famous rockers – and the gamers!! LOL I can’t even imagine what you would have asked for this year? Car stuff? Video games still.... ‘m pretty sure it wouldn’t be a stuffed animal.... but then again, with you – who knew!? So – I’m doing my freakin’ job – and I’m not even doing that great of one.... but I’m keeping you alive in everyone’s hearts and minds.... hey – I’m Obnoxious! And bless you’re little skootchy heart, so were YOU..... Happy Birthday my Jeff – I’d send you a card, but where to address it to? So maybe I’ll write you a letter – and we’ll burn it like last year... so it can reach you.... which is probably a lot of BULL, but it’s a tool that I gotta use so I don’t go completely insane... Happy Birthday to You Stephen is Wearing Your Shoes Sam, Abby, Molly & Kitty Miss you And I’m very Blue...in your shoe....on a Mountain Dew I’m over the Flu... I wish I were With You... Hallmark, watch out!! Love ya sweetie – Happy Birthday... I guess I can’t call you at 12:59pm on the 10th yet again this year.... oh yeah, by the way... What the fuck!!?? Xoxoxox MomMoms.... |
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| Saturday, December 23rd, 2006 |
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Hey - Long time, no type.....I'm sorry about that - It's been BEYOND difficult getting to the website... All of the pictures and Memories just blow me away..... (((Hugs))) It's hard to put into words how I'm feeling - but let's just say that I'm so overwhelmed with the fact that it is yet ANOTHER Christmas that is coming that you won't be around!! A lot of Moms who have also lost their children have said that Time Heals.... but.... it really doesn't HEAL.... it just gets Different..... It it still just as unbelievably PAINFUL..... So - what's new? How's Heaven? A lot better than down here I would imagine, huh? So - check out what happened to me the other day - and YOU KNOW how hard it is for me to get out of the house at times.... this time of year it's so awful!!! All the Happy Christmas presents and songs and families getting their tree..... blah blah blah.... Poor Sammy hurt his knee a few weeks back - the Vet thinks he tore his tendon near his knee and needed meds and almost complete rest.... YEAH... like that's possible with him..... but he's been good..... So I get to the Vet after a few stops along the way to BREATHE! Panic is NOT FUN.... but i figured, ah, what the heck, it's only the Vet - no presents, no music, no shoppers.... just pick up more meds and leave... But, NO! In comes an Officer I used to work with. He had his Mom's dog with him. She was this cute little Cocker Spaniel with the big Floppy ears... so as I was saying my Hellos and How are yous with the Officer, i was squatting down giving loves to the dog.... her name ended up to be MOLLY!! Just like ours! Just ALOT smaller LOL So he was telling me that she's been sick and needed to be put to sleep! I was like - oh my GOD, she looks fine! She was completely all over me with kisses and jumping up and tail wagging everywhere....and STUPID STUPID me says, OH NO, that's so awful, your Mom must be so sad - when are they going to do it...? He answers, well, right now...! Yup - your mother completely lost it... right there in the Vet's lobby..... I got down on the floor with little Molly and was just talking to her (yeah - lost my mind, i know!).... saying stuff like "you'll get up to Heaven and see my Jeff and he will take care of you"... and I'm completely crying..... it was just so awful! Then i hear in the background as they quietly talked about the ashes, etc and whether the Mom wanted them... or if she wanted the body to bury her..... Oh yeah - GREAT - I was Crying hysterically now.... i had no control over it - i just couldn't So, of course, the officer felt awful and the woman behind the desk did too..... so he hands the dog over to the lady and he he gives me a hug and walks out the door.... i just went over to little Molly and said that I was sorry and that I hope she had fun up there in Heaven..... and i couldn't stop crying.... One thing that helped a teeny tiny bit was that the woman behind the counter came around again and gave me a big hug.... cuz she GOT IT.... know why?? She lost her daughter in 2002.... so there we were just standing there crying... So as I'm driving home, crying hysterically on the phone first to Stephen - poor guy could hardly understand me! and then to Auntie Leslie.... I get home and of course - I sit on the floor and all 3 dogs come running over and are jumping on me and kissing me..... so that helped - i'm telling ya - our dogs saved my life so many times!!! So after a little time.... i chill out - down a tranquilizer and then i started thinking.... HEY THANKS God.... that was fun...NOT! So pretty much the rest of the day i was a complete mess - well, more of a mess! ugh... It's not like every single part of the day is spent crying and being beyond sad... but everything is just "tinged" with you being gone.... no matter what... It's just Stephen and I and the dogs and kitty for Xmas - no presents between us cuz - well, it's just not in us this year... next year,? Who knows, but.... So we'll have turkey and taters and Apple Pie and we'll watch football.... and we'll get through... cuz.... well.... we don't have much choice, u know? Christmas... soooooo many good and happy and fantastic memories of you.... and I'm glad I have them and wouldn't change them for the World.... but..... come on..... no more with you EVER AGAIN?! Can't even grasp that concept yet.... Now that Dad Finch is up there with you - take good care of him, please, ok? It really gutted Stephen when he died - because YOU gave the finches to him 7 years ago!!... and Dad was the only one to survive until now.... Please watch over my VaVor, ok? Almost 102 and now she can't speak?! Poor sweetie - Please make sure she's in no pain AT ALL, OK?? ....I miss you sweetie..... this life is awful without you... no matter how much time has passed.... You're my BABY!! I love you...and miss you.... and I really hate life without you...... :( Love Hugs and Many Kisses.... xoxoxoxo MomMoms..
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| Wednesday, October 4th, 2006 |
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Hiya Sweetie, Well, it’s officially our favorite time of year!!! I still like it... but now it’s just all messed up like everything else is... as I’m sure you know!! I’m trying... I make sure I get outside at least once, but it’s more like 4 or 5 times... on the ATV, picking up trash, walking the driveway – playing with the dogs and watching the birds in the aviary... I try to take in all of the beautiful images around me, u know?.... to try to take over the horrific images that are with me every day.... Sometimes it works, sometimes not... but... I’m TRYING!! I keep trying little stupid drives to the grocery store.... and sometimes I make it, and sometimes I don’t – but I’m trying....i keep telling everyone else that I’ve spoken with about losing a child that time means nothing – it just keeps on ticking whether or not you want it to..... people forget – their lives go on.... and you’re stuck with your thoughts and yourself.....just do the best that you can.... and throw away the guilt.... I’ve found that to be hard.... guilt, of course, because I thought I was doing the right thing by you with regard to Tim... I always found it easier to placate him because then he wouldn’t take it out on you....maybe I should have thought different..... maybe it was worse than I knew it was..... maybe you were so “messed up” inside from that.... who knows... I’ll never get the answers... and I’ve kinda stopped asking.... well most of the time... lol So close to losing this house...... I just don’t know how I could survive through that, u know??? Here, where you died.... and where you lived and all the stuff you touched... and the good memories..... and the awful ones.... it’s something I can’t get my head around.... I We’re trying....Stephen and I – we’re doing the BEST that we can.... but... hey – who’s to say that we’re any good at it, u know??? Lolol You know what’s going on down here... with Stephen and I... and you see how Matt & Alex are doing in college.... and you see your Hilly already a 10th grader!!....and you see your Grandma and your Auntie Leslie....and your friends....Our VaVor..... stick with her..... she’s going to be 102 and she’s still sharp as a tack, but her body is failing..... NO PAIN, got it..... you pull any strings you have up there – NO PAIN for her....you know that!!! Lol Well, my eyes are hurting... wow – it’s not from crying at the moment.... but I’m brewing up a lovely headache, so I’ll step away from the computer for a while – go outside and breathe in some fresh air.... and then take 4 Excedrin and a tranquilizer and make it go away!!! Grrrrrrrr I just wanted to “say” hi my Sweetie..... Thanks for helping me through the awful days.... I know I couldn’t get through them without you holding me up..... And you make sure that my Stephen sticks around for a very long time – cuz I ain’t doing this alone.... and I need him, ok??? And he needs YOU too...hold him up for a while...ok?? Deal??? Can you please make sure that all of the people who I love and who are there for me unconditionally and take me for who I am...get some extra prayers, ok?...... not too much to ask, right? What can i say - i miss you....more today than I did yesterday....but not as much as I will tomorrow...... Time can be a strange thing.... (((HUGS)))) and so much LOVE..... MomMoms.... |
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| Monday, September 25th, 2006 |
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Hey Luv, It's so gorgeous out today... this week is forecast to be 80s and sunny with light breezes.... not too shabby for the beginning of Autumn.... but ya know - next week it will be 35 and frozen.... That's ok - i like it that way Better!! This time of year is so difficult - oh please, all times of the year is difficult, but.... you know what i mean... you and i LOVED it!!! and i still do - but it's TINGED with, well, you being GONE... i'm having a really hard time with "guilt" lately.... for the times I punished you or when i yelled about homework or visiting yucky sites on the internet.... i like to think it was just me being a Mom... a parent.... but, was I too hard? difficult? should i have let more things go? you know, those kinds of things... logically, i know that more often than NOT, you needed a yell or whatever cuz... well.... you were a pain in the ass at times and you thoroughly enjoyed it too! LOL Oh - i don't know Jeff.... i don't "whine" every day, (actually, Stephen might have a different opinion LOLOL) or cry EVERY DAY...or mope around the house touching your things and drooling in a corner..... but i'm so messed up! well, i supposed you could say i was a tad messed up before you died! LOL I mean things i did last year, i can't do now.... and things i couldn't do last year, i can do now... SOMETIMES... it freakin' depends on the day, or the hour or whether the moon is in the 7th House - who the hell knows? I guess i just hate all the crap that's in my head.... it's not flashbacks... they're little snippets of things - memories.... and it takes so much more now to find GOOD ones.... it just seems to be ones that hurt... or are sad... Makes me so freakin' tired.... poor Stephen got stuck with a neurotic mess!! You better make sure you keep your wings wrapped around him and keep him safe..... it's the least you can do! Poor guy.... you left behind a mess of a Mom and Wife! I guess i have more to say - but... i'll save it for another day...... cuz i can't remember what i was just going to type! Hey.... forgive me? LOVE YOU & shit..... life sux w/out you sweetie.... love MomMoms xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Hugs and Butterfly Kisses and Eskimo kisses!! |
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| Thursday, September 7th, 2006 |
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Well, it has been way too long since I’ve written.... I think mostly because I figure if you’re hovering around or whatever, you’re seeing what’s going on and you’re either helping it along or holding me up or... who the hell knows..... here’s hoping!! Today is September 7th... two more months to go until it’s 2 years since you died.... Two FREAKIN’ YEARS?! Honestly... if it weren’t for a very few people in my life, I can guarantee you I’d be right next to you up there or down there or wherever you are.... GUARANTEED..... Come on – it’s A GIVEN that just DYING would be easier than the PAIN....the constant – Oh yeah, there’s a little chuckle... oh wait... yeah, Jeff would have loved that...but..... and that’s a bit BUTT!! But... well, you’re DEAD... so how could the pain and brainlessness and stupid stuff we have to deal with and stupid people, go away?? Well, I’m on a few meds, and they’re working, NOT... ok, maybe they are cuz I’ve gotten out on a few occasions – WOOHOO!!! Mel has left the building..... It’s so fucked up that me getting in a car and driving down the driveway and getting to the grocery store and actually going in is cause for celebration?? How did this end up being my life, u know? Hey – this is all about me here, isn’t it..... me me me me me me me.... ok, now that’s done – How are YOU?! What the hell kind of question is that – How are you up there?? Cuz I can’t just ask ya here.... so I’m stuck with faith?? Insanity?? Really good covering up of what’s in my brain?? Wow – what a ramble.... but... hey – if you actually read this – and who the fuck knows if you are.... but I can ramble... and I can yell and scream and cry cuz.... you DIED on me and I’m pissed off about it... Not always... but come on – you must know I’m Pissed a bit, right? I mean you left me HERE... you let me FIND YOU hanging there with your eyes bulging out and lifeless..... what the hell?? Really, I should be over this, right? Ok, maybe not over it, but “moving on”.... and maybe I have a little.... I try to find good stuff to remember or try to think that it could be worse?!?!?! Or somehow time will ease.... I love the aviary that Stephen built.... It means more than just an aviary and you and Stephen and I know that, huh? ..and really, how the hell did we get into so much debt? Maybe it’s almost two years since I’ve fuckin’ worked??? Maybe it’s because we’re paying our mortgage with credit card checks? Maybe it’s because groceries need to get paid with credit cards because the money that Stephen makes pays for... well, you guess it – minimum payments on Credit Cards......... what a messed up MESS..... and man, I don’t know how he did it, but he managed to keep out credit PERFECT...... but.... who knows what will happen... and most of the time when I really should care, I don’t because of how stupid it is to try to survive when my only child is dead!! Ya know?? It’s not like I sit around all day doing nothing..... or sitting in your room smelling your clothes, or surrounded by your THINGS.... or staring at your pictures... or dwelling over and over that that little black box on top of the TV is the REMAINS of your body..... but sometimes I do..... But, sometimes I look over at my Stephen and just smile because, well, he’s my best friend and I love him so much and I KNOW I’d be gone without him.... that’s just fact...... Hopefully you’re spending some times holding him up – getting him to work – keeping him healthy!!! It’s the least you can do up there, u know??? He misses you more than ANYONE knows.... except you and me...... We know what we had and it was so great......good memories..... So you should have started your Junior Year yesterday..... but... well.... nope – Forever a Freshman...... which I’m sure is fine by you cuz we all know how much you LOVED SCHOOL!! NOT!! So – I feel ok for journaling a little bit..... And the sun is out and it’s warm with a great breeze and the aviary is alive with birds and your Bird Bath you gave me the last Mother’s Day we had together.....and the dogs are all tired out from their RUN AROUND with me on the ATV.... Thanks for keeping Parvo out of my face..... Sheesh – even the dogs don’t like her!! And we all know how you felt about her – although I imagine you don’t harbor bad feelings in Heaven or wherever you may be..... Seeing your friends is such a mixed thing.... they’re so awesome and they come right up to me no matter where I am and give me a HUGE hug.... and that’s always good!! And they talk about you.... and they love remembering you...... but – holy shit – they’re not 14 anymore!!! They’re 17 and tall and grown up and either quitting school and working or sticking it out with school...... You’ll never know how much your death impacted theirs....
But you have my permission to kick some butt if people start FORGETTING, ok???? NO WAY that’s allowed, got it?? And to those people that ignore me at the grocery store,or look away when they see me out somewhere or walk away..... I say FUCK YOU and your loss... cuz hey – it’s not like I’ve EVER EVER started blubbering and crying when I see people outside of family and a very few friends.... and even then, I save my crying and blubbering for HOME..... So – I’ll close for now.... and maybe even take a shower and try to get out today – WHOA – what a good girl I am.... Sheesh – thanks pal – you left behind this person that’s so insecure, so unsure, so afraid, and so lost..... ::Sigh:: Love you sweetie.... ALWAYS Love, Mom
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| Sunday, June 18th, 2006 |
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A whole month since i've written.... weird huh - i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.... who knows.... so school vacation is here and that blows out loud... cuz you know how much we loved it! we'd have a party with matt alex hilary and all the salvuccis.... and then get poured on at the beach! LOL I'm sorry i don't update as much on your site.... it's not that i'm forgetting you... yeah, right - like that could happen!.... it's just sometimes it's so hard to work on your pictures..... i just look at them and stare and think.... which is good sometimes, but other times.... into the trench of sorrow for a while... but - i talk to you and dogs all freakin' day - so i know you're listening, cuz although sometimes you'd try to not listen, you always heard what was going on..... ok, except if you were watching tv, or reading, or eating, or playing video games or..... ok, maybe you have no choice but to listen to me NOW!!! lolol Life sucks, get a fuckin' helmet seems to be the theme lately, but.... then again, not that bad.... i go outside and look at the beautiful sky and clouds... and watch them move and listen to the sparrows and the starlings and the black birds and watch the Heron fly by.... listen to the creek going over the rocks.... and knowing you're part of that creek is awesome - you must see abby and molly and sammy running in and out of it.... that's awesome... sometimes the tears and the pain overwhelm me, u know? but then i take some pills, wash my face, try to breath again... try to focus on something else or give my Stephen a hug or a back rub.... or yell out - i need LOVES and have 3 dogs come running over to me and shower me with love.... i'm so glad that in my head, i'm coming to terms with how much guilt i feel in regards to so many things..... it's an "emotion" that just sucks the life out of ya.... and with the reassurance from my Stephen and people who i love, i know thatbasically, deep down, i'm a good person.... less stronger than most people think.... i'm not feeling ISOLATED so much, more like as far as life goes for stephen and i on a daily basis... and with what we endure and try to survive through.... at the end of the day... we love being together... you always knew that and loved that... we are best friends... partners.... sharing something that is so sorrowful and so painful..... but it's the little things that get us through the day.... the routine maybe? the smile i get inside when we (me and the pups) see your truck coming home... it's the little joys like that... i miss my Mattie and Alex and Hilly and Leslie and Steph and Holly and the kids and everyone (ISH).... but i think at this point in my "So Called Life" that this is just where I need to be - in order to "fix" myself.... why put the anxiety and panic on myself when, maybe in a few months, i won't be feeling the panic when i go out.... who the hell knows? the emotions and things change from day to day, hour to hour.... But, you are and were MY BABY... i have SO MUCH LOVE to give to you like i always did.... so - where does it all go??? All that LOVE i have inside me?... that's the pain.....the love and the taking care of and the annoyances! and the humor... ... so here it is on a Sunday - at 3:18 pm..... and sometimes I get stuck in... what was I doing at this time on 11/7/04.... and then the brain sizzles and i need to shut down.... but today - my Stephen is resting on the couch after busting his butt mowing and fixing, etc.... and the dogs are all tired out from running and playing with us..... and we sat and looked at the sky and the amazing clouds and mountains.... and just sit there and breathe.... and think..... but, who's to say how we live is wrong, u know? it certainly doesn't FEEL wrong to me... or to stephen..... There really isn't a right or wrong way to do this........... you just DO IT.......... ....and i'll continue on talking to you..... and crying for you and me and what could have been..... and maybe i'll get normal sleep sometime..... who knows? but.... for right now.... at 3:31 pm on Sunday..... my feet are cold cuz the Air conditioner is on too low! LOL I'm going to go over and give my Stephen a hug.... and then I'll sit in your chair... with your blanket and pillow.... and watch mindless TV... and maybe sleep.... I love you sweetie - and thanks for the Swallows! and the Butterflies and the Flowers... and the Dimes....and helping me get in the car and leave the driveway!.... and for helping Stephen with his sugar stuff (He's doing so GOOD)...... ...... and go over to Grandma...... she needs help from up there...... LOVE - MomMoms xoxoxoxoxo 
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| Thursday, May 11th, 2006 |
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May 11th already... I'm sitting here typing this while i'm looking at your picture - the one at the airport where you have that black hat on, your Gir shirt and your red sweatshirt.... your glasses... your watch.... You were buried in that sweatshirt.... well, isn't that pleasant.... If you've been paying attention to what's been going on down here, you'll know that I'm in need of Divine Intervention..... is there a way to put in for that? is there a form or something?? So what's the deal with my doctor? That office? I don't get it - i just don't - first they don't even go to your funeral, i'm pretty sure there wasn't a card but maybe and one doc told me after like 9 months that i should go into your closet and look at it as a place where you ascended into heaven, not where you died.... Yeah... that set me back just a bit.... idiot... and then this asshole... CLUELESS.... i need to focus on something.... maybe if you're physically healthier, you'll be able to get through this..... he actually said that the grief period for something like this is SIX to NINE months.... I'm like - WHOA!! I'm over my time limit!! WTF?!?!.... Clueless.... like so many people..... and rightfully so i guess - cuz they haven't had to do what I'm doing...... ....and what exactly am I doing? That's the pissofical part of it all.... what the hell am i doing? How can i change? Can I change? How does it happen? I'm not seeing the FORK IN THE ROAD JEFF....i'm not even seeing a freakin' road!!..... 1 1/2 years is over the limit, apparently, for grief... so....what phase am I in now Jeff? Wanna ask that good-for-nothing, worthless stupid pissant of a doctor and ask him NOW WHAT? Ok - so i should be "through" certain phases of grief....... guess what - I'M NOT!! Nope - i'm not in denial... I'm just not dealing with it, because I DO NOT believe one can POSSIBLY DEAL WITH your CHILD DYING... Think about it..... everyone is getting older and moving on.... you didn't - you stopped.... well guess what..... SO DID I!! HAHA it is all about me!! See... that's the thing...... I'm stuck? maybe I'm hiding? maybe I'm panicking? YES I'm worried? YUP But.... what exactly am I supposed to do... Ok - so let's say.... Here we go MEL - today's the DAY - out for the Job Interview - OK.. but first we need to plow through the panic attack, which, by the way feels like you're actually HAVING A HEART ATTACK... it's not little butterflies in your stomach..... there's like CROWS flying around in there.... OK.. i get the job - part-time cuz, well let's be realistic - i'm not the person I was and can't handle what I used to be able to handle.... and then i get to shake and wobble back into the house - and this is all just after the interview... and i'm sweating and dragging.......... shit, this happens when i go to the GROCERY STORE.... SOMETIMES it happens.... SOMETIMES it doesn't.... but then - WHAM - i'm in the store, i see taco sauce (or whatever) and I'm kicked in the GUT... and hardly make it through.... or SOMETIMES - i get through just fine because I've tranquilized myself.... I'm not making this stuff UP!! This is all REAL!!! Me not being able to drive to the airport and then getting on a plane and then getting off in Boston and then really having no where else to go except to Mom's......and I love her, don't get me wrong... but that's a whole other story?? I'm not used to being ANGRY - most of the time, and you KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE - i just get pissy, rationalize it out, and move on... u know? and i did this with my Mom... I did - she had stuff to forgive me for and i had stuff to forgive her for - and we Did it - ..... She'll NEVER had to Pay for your Cruise or Trip to Greece...but that's cool that she got to go in your memory - and she won't ever have to buy you sneakers for school - or books or the graduation gift - or wedding gift.... or an unplanned trip to Disney World...or ever TAKE you to Disney World for that matter..... except for when you were 9 months old..... so then i get angry... and i don't want to.... cuz it hurts too much.... but I'm sinking here..... it's true.... financially - it blows beyond anyone's imagination...... and..... asking for a life-line... a little tiny life-line in the grand scheme of things.... and........the Well is DRY! Jewelry, furniture, homes, land, cars, trips, clothes, shoes, ...... ok - i gotta let this go - i thought i already did!!! But, you know what? It really just doesn't matter......... it really just doesn't - because the one thing that I cherished and loved and still do and always will until my dying breath - is just GONE.... FOREVER GONE... not going away to school, not sleeping overnight, not visiting relatives - NEVER EVER to BE BACK - EVER... You're UP THERE Jeff.... I'm Down HERE - THOSE is the FACTS sweetie - and because of that ONE FACT - that HUGE FACT that others can push away for a little while, or get swept up in their daily activities of life.... IS my LIFE - is MY REALITY...... and I'm thinking that 6 to 9 months of feeling SAD and GRIEF-Stricken is just a little too short for someone who CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER......... 6 to 9 years??? Who Knows... But - Mother's Day will come and it will go - and another year will go by.... and I should be over it by then, right???? Yeah..... that's the ticket.... So - yeah - you better be listening to me up there when I talk to you....... get off your lazy Angel butt and HELP me out.... HELP Stephen out too, ok? Cuz it's like HIM and I against the WORLD.... wanna join up on our side please?? I love ya - Obviously I miss ya.... This sucks still.... Another Mother's Day w/out you making my Breakfast in bed....yeah - happy freakin' mother's day...... Love Hugs and Kisses - MomMoms |
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| Monday, April 17th, 2006 |
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Hi Love, I'm going to try to write to you in this journal of mine without breaking down and crying, ok? Maybe that way I can UPDATE and WRITE to you more.... You know that you're on my mind 24/7... but I'd just like to write stuff down so i can remember.... cuz you know how my MEMORY is... or lack thereof!! Today, well yesterday now, was Easter... I cried cuz i was thinking of all of the past Easters with you... the egg hunts, the baskets, the dress-up clothes..... ....and lately i'm feeling GUILTY..... like how can i call myself a good mom or think of myself as being a good mom... when maybe there was something i could have said, or not said... or did.... that would have changed the stupid-ass outcome.... and then I say to myself, NO, how could i have done anything?... and then i spend so much time going back and forth..... i'm thinking that here I am... giving some advice to other moms... and who the hell am I to give advice on child-rearing... when I couldn't even get my BABY past the age of 14!!!! eh..... Not a lot has been going on down here... it's like a game of just survival... i'm told this changes, but.... i don't see how?! oh and that i get so angry sometimes when i think about you being gone... the whole deal...the day you died and all of the subsequent days later...... like mostly - what the fuck?! and then i calm down..... or the drugs start to work and then i can function... but, i friggan miss you so much - how do people do THIS?? i know i've been saying this since i started the journal, but WHY? and What's the POINT?!..... my future does NOT include you Jeff... maybe in the HEAVENLY realm it will, who knows....but i'm just not OKAY with this.... i didn't want to get into all that, since it's been a while since I've chatted via this journal... but when i start typing, i close my eyes and don't look at the screen and just start typing.....and it just comes out... mostly all jumbled... I have to believe that you're down here every once in a while maybe giving me a hug... well, at least that what i "have" to believe right now...... who knows how i'll feel in an hour... these swings in emotions are unreal.... But really, i gotta get back to work.... to help Stephen (well, US!)... and cuz it feels like i should be... and i know everyone in the WORLD thinks the same thing probably..... but it's a vicious circle... i need to go to my doc in Yakima to have him do something different with the meds, cuz i think i either need MORE or different ones.... but then i have such a hard time leaving the house that when it's time to leave for the appointment, i'm a freakin' idiotic basket case of nerves and panic and anxiety, that i call and cancel..... wow - am I whining or what? ... so if your intention when you decided to, well, let's just say PLAY THAT GAME, was to drive your mother slowly insane (ok, so that's a little selfish - like your whole world revolved around me!! but....), it worked BRILLIANTLY..... I laugh, i smile, i eat and clean and eventually get to the store and function and chat with people,... well those not avoiding me.... i LOOK like i'm somewhat normal...... but, OH MAN, if people only knew... OK - well this isn't what i wanted to write at all in the beginning - i wanted to focus on the positive and i wanted to get through this without sending myself into a turmoil..... sheeeeeeeeeesh I LOVE YOU JEFFREY - I MISS YOU SO MUCH - EVERY DAY IS AWFUL WITHOUT YOU.....and that sucks..... But, i'll survive - cuz well, what else is there to do..... But you better stay with Stephen like you have been.... ok? deal????? Thanks for the snow today.... right now I believe it was You!!! let's just leave it at that... I want you to come back now, ok? This has been fun and all, but enuf.... come on back, ok? sheesh... Please be happy and safe and secure and loved...wherever you are - and know that if you need to feel some love, just pop on in and say Hi - i could use the hug, ok?? Hugs & kisses... MomMoms (aka EB) |
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| Thursday, March 9th, 2006 |
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Happy 16th Birthday Jeff.... Well... I'm here.... and you're THERE........ and we're not together on yet another birthday of yours.... and no matter how much I try to make it an "ok" day with Balloons and your foods and watching your favorite shows, etc..... it still BLOWS.... cuz you're just not here! I'll make it through the day with the help from my Stephen and our puppies and kitty - and our Auntie Leslie who is here... from My Mom, my Sister Steph, Matt, Alex & Hilary, Holly, Nannie...Niki & Adam... FAMILY and Friends I've known and also the special people I've met since you passed away... Thank you for sending them all my way - it helps babe, it really does.... sometimes.... but most of the time.... I exist.... kinda...... meandering my way through life.... waiting until I can be with you again, hug you again, get kisses again..... and spend forever just chillin' with you and all of our Angels..... But, for now - We'll send up BALLOOOOOONS... LOTS OF THEM!!! From all over the WORLD - so keep your eyes opened for them.... and look for the candles that we all will be lighting for you.... and listen to our prayers and..... have a great time up there in heaven...and check out the Website, would ya~? thanx sweeeeetie! I can only imagine what we would have gotten you for your birthday this year..... probably a cheap car!!... video games, CDs.... but.....well..... I'll have a slice of Auntie Leslie's homemade Ice Cream Cake and I'll be thinking of you... and wishing that you were here.... and singing Happy Birthday To You...... I love you my Sweetheart - and i look back to 16 years ago - when you entered into my life and made it WHOLE and think that I'm so LUCKY to have had you in my life.. i just wish it could have been a lot longer... HUGS, Love & KISSES, Mom |
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crappy.
cranky.
drained.